Because the writer needs his catchphrase and "shouting epitaphs" was already taken

I think my father was the forerunner of DVD commentary: He often annotated the newspaper with thought balloons, telling us what was really on the minds of politicians and celebrities (it was a slow time for actors spouting racial epithets).

But the icing was always taking the ugly stick to beautiful people. Teeth went black, models grew copious of facial hair and every blemish under the sun (moles, skin tags, stitches and crooked scars) crowded their faces.

His ballpoint knew nothing of mercy. It was truly an age of gold.

And when that weekend magazine tumbles from the Sunday paper, I eagerly grab my pen, and remember how much time those beautiful people spend putting themselves together, and how little I spent bringing them back down.

I know it as art in my elementary school days; it still is every time I take my small revenge on our celebrity-worshipping culture.