A Slur from the Coasts

I hear it with increasing regularity.

Fly-over country.

The other day, two consecutive NPR stories referenced the attitudes of people living in the giant blob between coasts that the elite cross only on their way to or from New York and Los Angeles. Story One: People in the Midwest don't need the newest generation of smart-phone right away, and tend not to fight if subject to additional charges (translation: we're behind the times and spineless). The second touted the introduction of fixed-price dining at restaurants taking getting tested in the Midwest when it should be taking hold on the coasts first. As much as I'd like to ignore this them versus us mentality, the slights tossed at those of us not living on the coasts get really old.

Aside from Chicago, people on the coasts spout almost total disregard for any state without a taste of the ocean. Even Denver is nothing more than the place you fly into on your way to Aspen or Vail, or where you spend your layover on the Jackson Hole route. I see in Nashville as well; because the city didn't face the same Sherman-delivered devastation during the Civil War, its old money types look down on anyone not of their ilk (these are the same people who try to play "big deal" during our free weekly wine tasting yet amazingly never set foot in the store). I just get jaded when it comes to people with money who possess no appreciation for their wealth.

Fly-over country has always eaten at me, because it openly disregards anything not on the coast, that nothing remotely interesting could lie within those expenses. I grant you, the geometry of Kansas from the air might not inspire poets (save Allen Ginsberg), but drive across Kansas at night, with a storm and lightning stretching to every horizon, and I dare you to claim the place lacks beauty.

The sports manifestation might be the easiest to see -- I am convinced Joe Buck and Tim McCarver would go all Brokeback Mountain on each other if MLB amended the rules so the Yankees and the Red Sox could play each other in the World Series. Only one of them playing the Phillies or Mets in the World Series can generate the slightest interest beyond the league championship series.

You see this playing out in the Lebron James free agency saga - New Yorkers cannot understand why he would want to play in Cleveland. Even Chicagoans cannot grasp that thought. For too many, Cleveland was a just a place you were forced to land on 9/11. Having grown up neaby, I can attest that it isn't the warzone that people have conjured in their minds.

Digression: Since every person on the planet is obliged to have an opinion about James' departure, here's my large cent on the subject. If he goes it will hurt the city, but it has been hurt long enough that it will go on. He can stay and be a hero. But if your sights on trained becoming the first billionaire athlete, it's doubtful a shrinking Midwest city can hold you. Impact on my life: zero.

Digression Two: For as much as people make fun of Cleveland, St. Louis is essentially the same city plus a tourist-trap arch. And it's considered a great American baseball city, despite its sky-high murder rate.

(End digressions)

Friends have feted me, urged a move to the east coast to the D.C. area. Now, my interest in politics has soured so badly that the though of landing within 100 miles of D.C. repulses me. The opposing party invades the city (well, its suburbs) about every eight to 12 years. It's a soulless place. I don't know that I could take New York City either; the gentrification of American means middle-class people who want to stay must move ahead of neighborhoods turning into the next trend. Manhattan has long since delved beyond the dreams of the non-rich, but Brooklyn too lost has its affordable charm.

Don't even get me started on Philly.

You cannot entice me with a sandy beach either. I think my final destination will owe more to low humidity and friendliness of people than being on the first wave of every trend. Besides, I can get an iPhone at the same time as anyone on the coasts.

All I can say is, Nowhere-people, you near-sighted armies of the coasts, keep on flying nonstop. Oceans aren't everything. The Great Lakes have plenty of deep-blue highlights and fun islands.

Those of us in the heartland, Midwest, Mountain West, and Mid-South all know what you're missing. But by all means, continue to marginalize us. It helps to develop well-kept secrets.