Papa Ratzi - Who's he?

My brain nearly atrophied as I ate breakfast this morning, while the Today Show blared a discussion about paparazzi going too far. A publicist whined about her clients' right to privacy, a paparazzi agency chief swore his photogs knew their "limit," which weren't too restrictive.

On this commuter's radio, another paparazzi said their coverage of David and Victoria Beckham amounted to following them on every moment they spent outside their Beverly Hills mansion.

When it comes to celebrities, I could care less. Maybe it stems from an embarrassing episode from my childhood, when my whole family beer out the windows of my van while Paul Newman walked in and out of an auto parts store to buy floor mats.

Yes, we sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes on a hot August day because of floor mats.

Behind sunglasses he wore a digusted look, undoubtedly aware of the greenhorns pressed against their van's windows.

Newman lives in the same town as my grandparents. Prior to our star-gazing, the family had other Newman stories - he and my grandfather docked boats near each other, and talked occasionally. Of course, not a word was said about Hombre, Cool Hand Luke or the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - they were New England boaters, so the talk stuck to boats and seagulls vandalizing their decks.

And to catch them around town was not an oddity - his wide, Joanne Woodward, was artistic director of the Westport Country Playhouse for years. Without the Newmans, it wasn't Westport; they were part of its fabric. If I saw them today, I'd keep on walking.

Americans like to pretend they don't understand the British fascination with their Royal Family; all the while, our Hollywood-oriented culture created an ersatz aristocracy out of actors, musicians and socialites.

As for the paparazzi, they're as American as Wal-Mart -- another cultural staple people complain about then frequent. If no one wanted photos of celebrity babies (Cruise/Holmes, Brangelina ---- see, you don't have to care about this sick fascination to absorb the details), these guys wouldn't stake them out.

Even when they're just buying floor mats.